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	"The Best of the Worst Country-Western Song Titles"
			(These are REAL, honest)

- Do You Love As Good As You Look?
- Drop-Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
- Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral
- My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
- Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
- Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
- Here's A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares
- How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
- I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
- If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low
- I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
- I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
- I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart
- I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
- I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
- I Wanna Whip Your Cow
- I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!
- I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
- I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
- Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
- I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
- I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In
  Your Welfare Line
- If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
- If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
- May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose
- If The Phone Don't Ring, Baby, You'll Know It's Me
- If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
- If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
- My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
- My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John
  Was Breaking My Heart
- My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
- Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
- Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down,
  But Baby I Can See Through You
- Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill
- She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft; She Got The Ring And I
  Got The Finger
- She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
- She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty
- They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out
- Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
- When You Leave, Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In
- You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too
- You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd
- You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
- You Were Only A Splinter In My Ass As I Slid Down The
  Bannister Of Life
- You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

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"The Annual All Time Best of the Worst Country Song Titles"
	as printed in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

- Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye 
- (Pardon Me) I've Got Someone To Kill
- I Got In At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2
- If The Jukebox Took Teardrops I'd Cry All Night Long 
- I Don't Know Whether To Come Home Or Go Crazy
- Her Body Couldn't Keep You Off My Mind
- Her Cheatin' Heart Made A Drunken Fool Out Of Me 
- Out Of My Head And Back In My Bed
- You're A Cross I Can't Bear
- It Don't Feel Like Sinnin' To Me
- I'm Gettin' Gray From Being Blue
- I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You 
- You Hurt The Love Right Out Of Me
- Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head) 
- She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart 
- You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
- Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart
- If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, Wonder Whose I'd Find On You 
- I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
- It Ain't Love But It Ain't Bad
- I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart 
- She Feels Like A New Man Tonight
- I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised
- If Drinkin' Don't Kill Me Her Memory Will 
- Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
- If You Can't Feel It (It Ain't There) 
- Touch Me With More Than Your Hands
- I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
- The Last Word In Lonesome Is "me"
- Do You Love As Good As You Look
- I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite
- When We Get Back To the Farm (That's When We Really Go To Town) 
- My Shoes Keep Walkin' Back to You
- You Stuck My Heart In a Old Tin Can and Shot It Off a Log 
- How can I miss you when you won't go away?
  (I keep on seeing you, day after day.
  You never leave here, you always stay and stay, 
  How can I miss you when you won't go away?)
- Why do you believe me when I tell you that I love you when you know
  I've been a liar all my life?
- He's been drunk since his wife's gone punk