I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and
crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my
lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat
retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. I write
award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I
tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous
and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up several
inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies
in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love,
and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of
water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the
Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play
bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of
numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension
bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays,
after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am
an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening
wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan
mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend
passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling
centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral
arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles.
Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving
objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby
Dick and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to
refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact
location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed
several covert operations with the CIA & NSA. I sleep once a
week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in
Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who
had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to
me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all
paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in
full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life
but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four
course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed
prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan,
cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the
Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart
surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to
college.
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and
crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my
lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat
retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. I write
award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I
tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous
and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up several
inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies
in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love,
and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of
water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the
Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play
bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of
numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension
bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays,
after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am
an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening
wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan
mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend
passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling
centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral
arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles.
Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving
objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby
Dick and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to
refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact
location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed
several covert operations with the CIA & NSA. I sleep once a
week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in
Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who
had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to
me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all
paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in
full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life
but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four
course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed
prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan,
cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the
Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart
surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to
college.